It’s so interesting. At my first session with Kay, she suggested I think about the feeling of scarcity that drives me to work such long hours without giving myself real breaks. And in some mysteriously contradictory way scarcity has led to an impoverished condition where two college degrees, proven and marketable skills, plus a grueling work ethic, still leave me scrambling each month to pay for basic necessities. Where did this scarcity come from? What did it ever do for me?
I don’t remember having feelings of scarcity growing up. We weren’t wealthy, but basic comforts and pleasures were always plentiful. As a college student and later as a young teacher, I always had the money I needed to make satisfying choices about where I traveled, where I lived, and what I bought.
I don’t recall money EVER being an issue for me until after I divorced my emotionally abusive, alcoholic husband and was left with two babies in diapers and a thoroughly shattered self-confidence. That’s been 25 years now, and my wonderful daughters are mostly grown, with their own money issues but a whole lot more self-confident than I have ever been.
I’m not saying that the quality of my life is as dismal as I may make it sound here. Actually, the opposite is true. There is a spiritual richness and beauty to my lifestyle that has deepened over those 25 years. I have always lived in places where nature is breathtakingly beautiful. I have cherished friends with whom I share the progress of my soul. My connection to Spirit is profound. I may not be able to buy the variety of foods I enjoy, but almost everything I eat is organic, tasty, and in all ways very good for me. I enjoy radiant health and have not even had a cold or the flu for 15 years. Over time, I have acquired tasteful furnishings that suit my tastes well — many are gifts from friends who didn’t need them or found them for me. I have finally landed in a spacious and light-filled household with a companionable and generous-hearted housemate, and the move to this new place in an more upscale neighborhood has reduced my expenses by greater than half!
Perhaps best of all, in a struggling economy where people’s fortune reversals have plunged them into increasing despair over all they have lost, I find myself with my feet on the ground and the peaceful certainty that I truly do not require much to thrive and be happy.
But there’s a lot I would love to do with an abundance of money! I would pay off the albatross of old debts that have been hanging around my neck since the baby days. I would joyfully plan vacations and frequent mini-retreats to old growth forests and the mountains and the ocean. I would give my children the free ride they deserve to the graduate degrees they can’t swing on their own, complete with living expenses so they don’t have to work while they fill their minds with learning. I would become a patron of the arts and commission awesome works from worthy young talents. I would give and receive and give some more and be steeped in all the wonders that money can buy because I know now that I could do that without losing sight of the truth that everything material must pass away and all that remains is the richness we have built with our love.
I’m ready! Bring it on!
